How to Use This Book This book is going to introduce you to some new ways to think and feel about your situation as a childless woman. It’s based on my experience of working with thousands of childless women in person (and many more online) in the Gateway Women online community, weekend workshops and courses that I’ve been running since 2011. Because of the new thoughts and feelings that this work can bring up, I recommend that you read just one chapter at a time and, if you wish, do the exercises and then let that settle and see what comes up for you. This will give you time to reflect on what you’ve learned, unlearned and discovered, and begin to integrate that into your new awareness. You might also want to keep a journal throughout this process, as it can be very helpful. However, if you prefer to read the book through from beginning to end and do the exercises as you go, or afterwards, that will serve you well too. You might be one of those people who mean to do the exercises in books but rarely do (guilty as charged!). Quite a lot of readers have told me that they’ve done the exercises when they’ve read the book for the second (or third) time and felt more ready for them. Do whatever feels right for you right now. This book can also be used as a framework for holding your own twelve-session reading group with other childless women, either in person or online. The exercises can also be done in a group setting and this can be really powerful – either by allowing you to see how similar your responses are (when you believed you were the only woman who had those thoughts and feelings) or to hear and be exposed to new ways of thinking that hadn’t occurred to you. Each chapter ends with a ‘Reflections’ section, which can act as a helpful conversational guide for group sessions. I’ve also recorded an introductory video about each chapter which you can find in the Gateway Women online community, along with a private reading group where you can read along with other members, if you wish. One thing I would really recommend you do right now is the ‘Healing Inventory’ questionnaire, which you’ll find on the next page. You can also download it from the Gateway Women website. This will preserve a snapshot of your thoughts and feelings about your situation today and can be a valuable way of tracking how things have changed for you once you get to the end of the book. However, like everything else written here, I’d like to stress that this is an invitation, not an instruction. Part of recovery from involuntary childlessness is learning to trust yourself again, so I trust that you’ll do what’s right for you. Healing Inventory Please score the following questions on a scale of 0 to 10, once before you read the book and then again afterwards. You can also come back to this questionnaire annually as it can be a really helpful way to see how you’re progressing, and where you might need to focus to get to an even better place. Date:Date: 0–100–10 1How easy do you find it being around your friends and family’s children?(From 0, ‘I do all I can to avoid it, it’s so hard’ to 10, ‘Absolutely fine, no problem at all’) 2How easy do you find it to talk to people about your situation and history?(From 0, ‘I’d rather the floor opened up and swallowed me’ to 10, ‘No problem’) 3How hard do you find it when people ask you if you have kids?(From 0, ‘I want to run away rather than answer it’ to 10, ‘Pretty dull question but not painful’) 4How comfortable are you holding a baby in your arms?(From 0, ‘I simply won’t do it’ to 10, ‘It’s a delightful experience!’) 5How much do you believe that there are other ways to experience the joy, connection and meaning in life that mothers seem to have?(From 0, ‘I simply don’t believe it’s possible’ to 10, ‘It’s absolutely possible’) 6How angry are you about how things have turned out?(From 0, ‘So angry I could self-combust’ to 10, ‘I’m at peace with how things turned out these days’) 7How much do you blame other people for how things have turned out?(From 0, ‘Others are totally to blame’ to 10, ‘I’ve worked through it now’) 8How sad are you about how things have turned out?(From 0, ‘I’m totally heartbroken’ to 10, ‘I rarely feel sad about how things have turned out anymore’) 9How much do you enjoy the benefits that come with not having children?(From 0, ‘What benefits?’ to 10, ‘I enjoy them to the max!’) 10How bothered are you with how people may perceive you as a childless woman?(From 0, ‘I utterly hate the way people see me!’ to 10, ‘I don’t let it bother me any more’) 11How aware are you of inspiring childless women role models?(From 0, ‘There aren’t any’ to 10, ‘I’m aware and excited there are so many!’) 12How strong is your mojo these days?(From 0, ‘Dead and buried’ to 10, ‘On fire!’) 13How full of clutter is your home?(From 0, ‘I haven’t seen the floor in a long time’ to 10, ‘It’s pretty organised actually’) 14How are you keeping up with finances and other ‘life admin’ tasks these days?(From 0, ‘My paperwork and finances are a train wreck’ to 10, ‘I’m totally on top of it all’) 15How comfortable are you with the idea of taking risks and doing things differently?(From 0, ‘Absolutely no way’, to 10, ‘Totally up for it!’) 16How often do you really laugh your head off these days?(From 0, ‘I don’t remember the last time I laughed’, to 10, ‘I love how much I laugh now!’) 17How willing are you to let go of the dream of motherhood?(From 0, ‘No way!’ to 10, ‘I’ve let it go’) 18How often do you pleasantly daydream about your childless future?(From 0, ‘How is that even possible?’ to 10, ‘A lot – there’s a lot to look forward to again!’) 19How often do you worry about your childless future?(From 0, ‘I worry myself sick’ to 10, ‘I’m involved in planning it rather than worrying about it’) 20How well do you take care of your body?(From 0, ‘What body?’ to 10, ‘Physically, I’ve never taken better care of myself than now’) 21How happy are you with the way you look?(From 0, ‘I wouldn’t know, I don’t look’ to 10, ‘I’m looking the best I’ve done in years!’) 22How connected to your inner world do you feel?(From 0, ‘I avoid it’ to 10, ‘I’m feeling really in touch with it’) 23How kind are you to yourself?(From 0, ‘Why the hell would I be “kind” to myself?’ to 10, ‘As kind as possible’) 24How nurturing and ‘mothering’ is your inner dialogue?(From 0, ‘Not at all!’ to 10, ‘I’m my own best friend – nurturing, kind and supportive’) 25If you do or did work, how much do/did you enjoy it?(From 0, ‘I absolutely loathe it’ to 10, ‘I love my work and find it very fulfilling’) 26How much do you feel like an outsider in your workplace, community or with colleagues?(From 0, ‘I’m the resident freak’ to 10, ‘I feel accepted for who I am and I’m comfortable with my difference’) 27How creative do you think you are?(From 0, ‘Not a creative cell in my body’ to 10, ‘Creativity is a vital part of my life’) 28How much play is there in your daily life?(From 0, ‘A slug is more playful than me’ to 10, ‘I find play pretty well much everywhere!’) 29How many minor illnesses do you get?(From 0, ‘I’m sure to catch anything going round’ to 10, ‘I get sick very rarely’) 30How much do you believe that you’re capable of finding a Plan B?(From 0, ‘I don’t believe it at all’ to 10, ‘I feel totally confident that I can do this’) 31How much of you is scared that you’re uniquely equipped to fail at life?(From 0, ‘Failure is my middle name’ to 10, ‘I’m not a failure; I can do this!’) 32How meaningful does your life feel to you?(From 0, ‘Meaning is only for mothers’ to 10, ‘My life feels deeply meaningful!’) 33How much do you worry about growing old without children?(From 0, ‘I’m absolutely terrified’ to 10, ‘I’ve made all my plans and I’m hoping it’s going to be pretty good!’) 34How much importance do you give to leaving a legacy?(From 0, ‘What kind of legacy could I possibly leave?’ to 10, ‘It’s not something I give much thought to anymore; I’m more interested in living my life now as best I can.’) 35How much do you believe that you personally are capable of making a contribution to this world other than by being a mother?(From 0, ‘Are you joking?’ to 10, ‘Not only am I capable of doing so, but I am doing it’) 36How connected, stimulated and supported do you feel by your current social circle?(From 0, ‘What social circle? I live under a rock’ to 10, ‘My friendship group is vibrant, varied and supportive and growing all the time’) 37How much time do you spend with other childless women who are working towards (or who are already living) their Plan B?(From 0, ‘None, there aren’t any, and certainly not round here’ to 10, ‘I couldn’t imagine my life without the great group of childless friends I’ve made!’) 38How far along in your recovery from childlessness do you think you are?(From 0, ‘Rock bottom’ to 10, ‘I feel that I’ve done the work to integrate this loss into who I’ve become (and am becoming!) and feel strong and whole again’ 39How happy are you to be alive?(From 0, ‘I’m existing, that’s all’ to 10, ‘I’m thrilled and delighted to be alive!’) 40How ready are you to live the life unexpected?(From 0, ‘Not at all, never was and doubt I ever will be’ to 10, ‘Bring it on!’ Total out of 400 An Overview of This Book’s Structure Although this book has a linear twelve-chapter structure, within that structure is an ebb and flow between the deeply personal and the more public, societal aspects of being a childless woman today. In working with childless women individually and in groups and workshops, I have found that this rhythm helps to gently reveal layers of stuck thought and feeling and enables a gradual progression of ‘aha’ moments that work together in an integrated way. For some of us, placing our own experience within a broader context helps us to realise that we really aren’t the only women that this has happened to, which can be a huge relief, and may help us begin to challenge some of our shame-based internal monologues. However, for others, this might feel too heady and intellectual and they’d rather dive straight into working with their individual felt experience and come back to some of the societal stuff later. Because of this structure, you may find that some parts of this book feel more relevant to you right now. So, in order for you to assess this, here is a brief overview of each chapter. Chapter 1: The Power of Our Stories The book starts at a very personal level with my story and looks at the power of our stories in shaping our lives. It explores some of the many different experiences that may have led to us being childless, other than the simplistic dichotomy of ‘didn’t want’ or ‘couldn’t have’, and includes the stories of other women from around the world in their own words. Chapter 2: You’re Not Alone We now pull back to survey the broader social and economic context that, depending on your age and nationality, has led to between one in three and one in six women reaching midlife without having had children, a much higher rate (almost double in most cases) than our mothers’ generation. We take a look at childlessness around the world as well as what the French and Swedish governments do differently to other countries to achieve the lowest rates of childlessness in the developed world. Chapter 3: Motherhood with a Capital ‘M’ In this chapter we explore how and why motherhood has become such a minefield of social expectations and pressures for women (both those with and without children). We also begin to examine our own childhood experiences and what messages we may have picked up that have influenced our beliefs and choices concerning motherhood and childlessness. Chapter 4: Working Through the Grief of Childlessness Grief over childlessness is an issue for us at personal, social and cultural levels, so in this chapter we take a new look at what grief is (and surprisingly, why it’s a good thing). We explore how grief impacts us personally (whether grieving as a couple or solo), and what we can do to process it so that we are ready to embrace our lives again. Chapter 5: Liberating Yourself from the Opinion of Others This chapter examines the cultural landscape of how, as childless women, we can be pigeonholed into a few reductive and mostly rather unkind stereotypes. We explore why that might be, whether within our family of origin, at work or even at the hairdresser, and what we can do to reframe our experiences, choose our own labels and celebrate our own role models. Chapter 6: Who Moved My Mojo? For childless women, the loss of the potential identity of motherhood can be devastating to our ego and sense of who we are – and thus demolish our mojo, our joie de vivre. This chapter provides an insight into why this might be, and how putting meaning back at the centre of our new lives is an important step in getting our mojo back. Chapter 7: Letting Go of Your Burned-out Dreams Letting go of the dream of motherhood is, for most of us, a very painful experience. In this chapter, we explore what happens when either most of our life force was channelled into this dream or conversely, how unexplored ambivalence held us back. Acknowledging the need to understand, grieve and let go of our unfulfilled dreams is vital in order for new dreams to arise. Chapter 8: Reconnecting to Your Source This chapter looks at how our relationship with our body has been affected by our childlessness, and how for many of us this may have led to a cycle of punishing or disconnecting from it as a way to avoid emotional pain. We explore how healing our relationship with our body can be a powerful route to healing our relationship with life, and ultimately with joy. Chapter 9: The Mother Within We now begin to unpack the relationship we have with ourselves in our head and heart, and look at the source of some of our shaming and hyper-critical internal monologues. We learn how becoming a ‘good enough mother’ to ourselves can be a self-compassionate and effective way to transform our inner world. Chapter 10: Creating a Life for Yourself as a Childless Woman The idea of being creative seems to strike fear into the heart of many of us, often because we have a very narrow idea of what creativity means. However, without an element of play in our lives, we can feel deadened. Creativity, play and change are important. I can feel your fear already . . . (Please don’t skip this chapter!) Chapter 11: Putting Your Plan B Together Plan B isn’t a new job, a new address or a new relationship. It’s a fundamental refurbishment of your life from the inside out. In this chapter we debunk some of the common myths about Plan Bs and introduce you to the forensic tools you’ll use to start exploring what your Plan B needs to include for a meaningful and fulfilling future without children. Chapter 12: Taking Off the Invisibility Cloak In this final chapter we look at ways in which we can come together as childless women and end our isolation by reaching out and staying connected to each other. We also consider what our wider social influence might be as powerful, connected, liberated, aware, intelligent, independent older women. We contemplate what our legacy might be if it’s not the children or grandchildren we expected to have, and also take a gentle, compassionate look at our fears about ageing without children. Appendix All of the resources in the Appendix have been checked and updated for this new edition. However, as they evolve constantly, you’ll find the most up-to-date information on the Gateway Women website at . Resources – organisations, blogs, websites, forums and other resources from around the world for childless women. Recommended Reading – an extensive list of books that I’ve read and which have supported me, and others, to heal from our childlessness and move towards our Plan B. Acknowledgements A thank you to those who have helped make this edition possible. Endnotes Chapter by chapter references from the text of this book. These have all been checked and updated for this new edition.