CHAPTER 2 THE MYSTERY OF THE MISSING MR BIG NOSE If you’re like most of our readers, you’re probably wondering how old we are. Well, it’s funny you should be wondering that because today is actually my birthday! I can’t wait to see what sort of amazing surprise Terry has planned for me. He’s probably in the kitchen baking a cake for me right now. Hang on … I’m in the kitchen … and there’s no cake-baking going on here. Hmmm. He knows how much I love juggling chainsaws. Maybe he’s planning on throwing me a surprise party on the chainsaw-juggling level! Nope. There are a few chainsaws, a bit of blood and a couple of severed fingers, but no Terry and—even worse—no party! Perhaps he’s planning a make-your-own-pizza party … I climb up to the make-your-own-pizza parlour, acting like I’ve got no idea that Terry’s waiting for me and … guess what? He’s not! Okay. I think I know what’s going on—I bet he’s forgotten all about my birthday and he’s in that stupid Ninja Snail Training Academy! He’s been spending all his time there lately trying to turn a bunch of dumb snails into Ninjas (which, of course, as everyone knows, is totally impossible!). I climb up to the Ninja Snail Training Academy and, sure enough, there he is. ‘Oh, hi, Andy!’ says Terry. ‘I’m just training my Ninja Snails. ‘Watch this!’ ‘Attack!’ ‘Fly!’ ‘Use super Ninja stealth!’ ‘Launch Ninja Snail death-stars!’ ‘Start a Ninja decoy fire!’ ‘Solve a Ninja crossword puzzle!’ ‘Terry,’ I say, ‘they’re not doing anything.’ ‘Yes, they are,’ says Terry. ‘They’re just doing it really slowly! So slowly you can’t see them doing it.’ ‘This is a complete waste of time!’ I say. ‘Especially when there are more important things you could be doing.’ ‘What could be more important than training my snails to be Ninjas?’ says Terry. ‘Hmmm, let me see,’ I say. ‘What about remembering important dates? Like today, for example!’ ‘What’s so special about today?’ says Terry. ‘That’s what I want you to tell me,’ I say. Terry thinks for a moment and then says, ‘Is it underpants-changing day?’ ‘That’s every day!’ I say. ‘Is it underpants-washing day?’ says Terry. ‘NO!’ ‘Is it Wear Your Underpants On Your Head Day?’ says Terry. ‘There’s no such thing!’ ‘Yeah, I know,’ says Terry, chuckling. ‘But wouldn’t it be fun if there was?’ ‘No, it wouldn’t be “fun”,’ I say. ‘It would be disgusting! I think you’d better go to the remembering booth and remember what day it is.’ ‘What about my Ninja Snails?’ says Terry. ‘Don’t worry about them,’ I say. ‘I’m pretty sure they’ll be here when you get back … probably in exactly the same spot.’ ‘Yes, because I’ll tell them to stay,’ says Terry, turning to the snails. ‘STAY!’ The snails don’t move. ‘Look at that,’ he says proudly. ‘And you said snails couldn’t be trained.’ We go to the remembering booth. Terry sits down and I lower the cone of remembrance over his head and lock it into position. ‘Okay,’ I say, ‘it’s ready. You can start remembering now.’ Terry gets a dreamy look on his face. ‘Remember the time we came to the remembering booth to try to remember what was special about today?’ he says, as images of us climbing up to the remembering booth appear on the screens. ‘How could I ever forget it?’ I say. ‘Especially since it only happened ONE MINUTE AGO!’ ‘Hang on, I’m remembering something else!’ says Terry. ‘Remember the time we set the wave machine to the maximum possible size and had that surfing competition and you got wiped out and I won?’ ‘No,’ I say, ‘I don’t remember that at all.’ ‘I’m not surprised,’ says Terry, ‘you hit your head pretty hard on those rocks. Look!’ I shake my fist at him. ‘I’ll hit your head pretty hard in a minute if you don’t start remembering what you’re supposed to be remembering right now.’ Terry continues remembering. ‘Remember the time one of the ghosts from the haunted house got out and haunted our toilet?’ he says. ‘Don’t remind me,’ I say. ‘I was so scared, I needed to go to the toilet, but I couldn’t go to the toilet because there was a ghost in there!’ ‘And remember when I put my mouth over the giant hairdryer and my head got really big?’ says Terry. ‘Are you kidding?’ I say. ‘That was the funniest day ever, especially when I popped it with a pin!’ ‘Andy?’ says Terry. ‘I’ve just remembered something else.’ ‘Is it to do with me?’ ‘Yes!’ ‘Well,’ I say, ‘what is it?’ ‘I seem to remember that I vowed to get revenge on you for popping my head with a pin.’ ‘Never mind that now,’ I say. ‘Do you remember anything else about me? Anything at all?’ ‘Yes, I do,’ says Terry. ‘And it’s quite important, too.’ ‘At last! Good work, Terry,’ I say. ‘Well?’ ‘We’re supposed to be writing a book,’ he says. ‘And it’s due any day now.’ Uh-oh. Terry’s absolutely right. We are supposed to be writing a book and it is due any day now! ‘It’s strange Mr Big Nose hasn’t called to remind us,’ I say. ‘Yeah,’ says Terry. ‘We’re already up to and he usually calls around !’ ‘Maybe we’d better call him,’ I say, ‘and remind him to call us to remind us when our book is due, otherwise we’ll never get it done in time.’ ‘Good idea,’ says Terry. We go to the 3D video screen and call Mr Big Nose. We see his office, but we can’t see Mr Big Nose. What we can see, though, are overturned chairs, broken trophies, books all over the floor and what looks like vegetable leaves everywhere. ‘Boy, he sure has a messy office,’ says Terry. ‘That’s no ordinary mess,’ I say. ‘That is what is known in the detective trade as signs of a struggle.’ ‘What sort of struggle?’ says Terry. ‘That’s exactly what we need to find out,’ I say. ‘Yay!’ says Terry. ‘We’ve got a mystery to solve! A big one! The Mystery of the Missing Mr Big Nose.’ ‘We’d better get to our high-tech detective agency and get high-tech detecting immediately!’ I say. ‘Should I go and get the Ninja Snails?’ says Terry. ‘No,’ I say, ‘they’ll just slow us down.’ ‘But they’re Ninjas!’ says Terry. ‘They’re also snails,’ I say. ‘Come on, we’ve got no time to lose.’