Help! I'm Being Chased by a Giant Slug

Brussel sprouts.

Maggots.

Brussel sprouts with maggots in them.

Picking your nose.

Picking your nose and eating it.

Picking somebody else’s nose and eating it.

Scabs

Scabs with maggots.

Maggots with scabs.

Shower-plughole hair.

The slimy stuff that comes out of the shower-plughole when you pull on the shower-plughole hair.

Animals that get squashed in the middle of the road and then get run over a whole lot of times until they’re just disgusting red blobs.

Dog pooh.

Accidentally standing in dog pooh and getting it on the bottom of your shoe.

Getting dog pooh on your fingers when you’re trying to get the dog pooh off the bottom of your shoe.

Eating a sausage roll and thinking that it tastes like dog pooh and then realising that it’s probably because you forgot to wash your hands after trying to get the dog pooh off the bottom of your shoe.

Bad breath.

Cockroaches.

Headless cockroaches. (Disgusting true fact # 1: Cockroaches can live for nine days without their heads.)

Headless cockroaches with maggots coming out of the holes where their heads used to be.

People who stay in the swimming pool all day long and don’t get out, not even to go to the toilet.

The story about the woman who went to Africa and came back with a mysterious lump that kept moving all around her body and then one day the lump was gone but her eyes were really itchy and she looked in the mirror and there were all these tiny white baby spiders coming out of her eye.

Danny’s handkerchief. It hasn’t been washed for two and a half years. Makes a cracking sound when unfolded.

Dirty undies.

Your guts. (Disgusting true fact #2: If you took your guts out of your stomach and stretched them out you would have enough to circle a football oval three and a half times.)

When some stupid old song from the last century comes on the radio and your parents start dancing and kissing right in front of you.

Zombies.

Flesh-eating zombies.

Flesh-eating zombies with really bad breath because they forgot to clean their teeth after feasting.

Ear wax.

Dirty nappies.

Blood clots.

Collecting your blood clots in an old jam jar and using them to make red paint.

Eating a piece of toast and jam and thinking it tastes a little bit like toast and blood clots and then realising that it’s probably because you accidentally put the jam jar full of blood clots back into the food cupboard instead of your paint box.

*#@!#@%$! (Disgusting true fact #3: ‘*#@!#@%$!’ is the most disgusting word in the English language. In fact, the word is so disgusting that anybody who hears it immediately throws up and their head explodes. If you really want to know what the word is, ask your teacher. If you throw up and your head explodes you’ll know they told you the truth.)

Spit.

A whole cup of spit.

Drinking a cup of cold water and realising that you just drank a cup of cold spit by mistake.

Sniffing one end of a strand of spaghetti up your nose.

Coughing up the other end of the strand of spaghetti and letting it hang out of your mouth.

Grabbing one end of the strand of spaghetti with one hand and the other end of the spaghetti in your other hand and sliding it back and forth.

Pulling the strand of spaghetti out of your nose and eating it.

Pulling a strand of spaghetti out of somebody else’s nose and eating it.

Spew

Sooty’s spew.

Sooty eating his spew.

Sooty re-spewing his spew.

Sooty re-eating the re-spewed spew he just spewed etc. etc. etc.

Spew with maggots in it.

When you spew so hard that it comes out of your nose.

When you break an egg and it’s got blood in it.

When you break an egg and it’s got blood and a half-formed chicken in it.

When the half-formed chicken drags its mutant body across the bloody plate towards you saying: ‘Mama . . . Mama . . .’

Slugs.

Really big fat slimy slugs.

A really big fat slimy slug doing a striptease.

Old black squashy bananas.

Finding an old black squashy banana squashed all over the bottom of your schoolbag at the end of the school holidays.

Finding a broken egg in the bottom of your schoolbag at the end of the holidays and there’s a half-formed chicken dragging its mutant body around saying: ‘Mama . . . Mama . .

An outside dunny that doesn’t flush but just has a big deep hole under the seat.

And it’s full of flies.

And maggots.

Dropping your new watch into the big deep hole in an outside dunny and while you’re trying to get it out you lean over a little bit too far and you fall in and you can’t yell out for help because the flies and maggots fill up your mouth and you can’t get them out because you’re too busy trying to keep yourself afloat.

Pus.

A swimming pool full of pus.

Accidentally dropping your new watch into a swimming pool full of pus and when you try to get it out you lean over a little bit too far and you fall in and you can’t yell out for help because the maggots fill up your mouth and you can’t get them out because you’re too busy trying to keep yourself afloat.

I think I forgot to mention that there are maggots in the swimming pool full of pus. But there are. THERE ARE MAGGOTS IN THE PUS!!!

Biting into an apple and finding a worm.

Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

Biting into an apple and finding a headless cockroach.

Biting into an apple and realising that it wasn’t an apple at all – it was just a big wet blood-stained furball that your cat coughed up into the fruit bowl that morning.

Realising that you’re following your cat around hoping that it will cough up another big wet blood-stained furball because you liked the taste of the first one so much.

Spiders.

Spiders’ guts. Their stomachs contain powerful enzymes designed to liquefy everything they come into contact with.

Hitting a spider with a hammer and the contents of its abdomen fly out and hit you in the eye.

When your eyeball liquifies and dribbles down your face and makes everybody who sees you either scream or vomit.

Or both.

Standing outside with your mouth open and a fly flies in and you’re so surprised that you swallow it.

Standing outside and you look up and a bird poohs in your eye.

Standing outside and you look up and a bird poohs in your mouth.

Standing outside and you’ve just had a bird pooh in your eye AND your mouth and looking down and realising that you just stepped in dog pooh. (See numbers 13-16.)

People who fold their eyelids back so you see the reddish-white bit underneath.

Burps.

People who can burp the alphabet, for example, Danny Pickett.

People who try to burp the alphabet but try a little too hard and end up vomiting instead, for example, me.

Farts.

People who can fart the alphabet.

People who try to fart the alphabet but try a little bit too hard . . .

Lumpy milk.

Lumpy milk with maggots in it.

Only realising that the milk is lumpy and has maggots in it when it’s in your mouth.

Only realising that the milk is lumpy and has maggots in it after you’ve ACTUALLY swallowed it.

When you’ve swallowed lumpy milk with maggots in it and you spew so hard that maggots come out of your nose.

Spew with maggots in it. (Yes, I know this has already been on the list, but it’s just SO disgusting I had to put it on again.)

The smell of dead fish.

The smell of a cat’s breath after it’s been eating dead fish.

Disgusting true fact #4: Scientific studies have shown that 90% of the dirt under people’s fingernails is not in fact dirt – it’s faeces (that’s the scientific name for pooh). The other 10% is peanut butter.

Watching television and seeing them open up somebody’s stomach and seeing the person’s guts.

Playing around with a sharp knife and accidentally opening up your OWN stomach and seeing all your OWN guts.

Playing around with a sharp knife and accidentally opening up your own stomach and seeing all your guts fall out of your stomach and all over the floor and then a dog runs in and eats them and then it spews them up again and then it re-eats them and it does a pooh and you’re just standing there with your mouth open and a fly flies in and you’re so surprised that you swallow it and then a bird comes in and poohs in your eyes and you can’t see anything so you’re staggering around blindly clutching your throat and you step in the dog pooh and you go sliding out of control and crash down into the bath which is full of pus and dead fish and scabs and brussel sprouts all bobbing around and you pull the plug so that you don’t drown but you accidentally pull the plughole hair up with it and attached to the end is a half-formed mutant chicken and it’s going ‘Mama . . . Mama . . .’ and you’re so disgusted that you say ‘*#@!#@%$!’, forgetting that if you hear ‘*#@!#@%$!’ your head will explode and so your head explodes and your tongue flies into the toilet and your eyes go into a spider’s web and the spider starts liquefying them, which is kind of lucky because then your mum and dad come waltzing into the bathroom smooching and kissing and they say, ‘Hmmm, I wonder whose body this is?’, and then they start eating it because they’re not really your mother and father at all – they’re flesh-eating zombies and you think things can’t possibly get any more disgusting and then they DO because a big fat slug comes in and starts doing a striptease – which you can’t see, but you can sense – and so your headless, gutless, half-eaten corpse runs out of the house and on to a busy road yelling ‘HELP! MY PARENTS ARE FLESH-EATING ZOMBIES AND THERE’S A SLUG DOING A STRIPTEASE IN THE BATHROOM!’ but none of the cars stop because nobody in their right minds would stop for a headless gutless half-eaten corpse – they just run over you . . . and over you . . . and over you until you’re just this disgusting red blob in the middle of the road. Well, mostly red except for the pus and the little white bits which are the remains of the maggots. (I think I forgot to mention that there are maggots in the pus. But there are. THERE ARE MAGGOTS IN THE PUS!!!)

This list. (See numbers 1 to 101.)